Funny Things to Say After a Marriage
Funny marriage advice quotes, tips, and funny advice for the groom or the bride on her wedding day are guaranteed to get your wedding guests giggling and help the wedding couple ease some pressure off them amidst all the wedding rigmarole.
Marriage advice tends to be serious.
Spending and building a life with someone should be taken seriously, but there is a lighthearted and very humorous side to marriage, like all things in life. It will bring light-heartedness and zest to the moment, whether it is funny marriage advice for newlyweds , sayings about marriage, relationship quotes, or funny marriage jokes.
Funny marriage advice for newlyweds
The newlywed stage is one of the best. Newlyweds haven't had time to grow tired of each other.
They still bother to look good for one another, and their quirks are still "cute." All kidding aside, here are some helpful and funny marriage advice for newlyweds:
1. Start a bean jar
Maybe you've heard of this funny advice for newlyweds.
For the first year, you are married, put a bean in the jar every time you have sex.
Then starting the day of your first anniversary, take a bean out of the jar every time you have sex. See how long it takes to get rid of the beans.
Related Reading: 20 Thoughtful First Anniversary Gift Ideas for Couples
2. Only fight naked
When you argue, you have to start taking your clothes off . You'll either end up laughing or doing something else, but at least you'll forget why you were fighting in the first place.
We bet this is one of the best advice for newlyweds; funny, isn't it?
3. Cut a little slack
Benjamin Franklin had said it long back: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." Now that's not just funny advice to newlyweds, but truly whip-smart!
4. Make them dinner. Simple
At least have a few take-out places on speed dial. There will be days they may call you frantic and not able to make dinner. Be ready to play pick up or start up the BBQ.
This is very critical advice for newlyweds, funny or not; this will come to your rescue in your desperate times. Thank us later!
5. Keep track of her cycles
But not where she will ever see!
When you know the PMS is about to hit, do something extra sweet for her, buy her some chocolate, and suggest you two watch a chick flick.
You might be wondering, how does this advice for married couples qualify to be 'funny'?
Trust us, and you'll earn some points by going the extra mile.
Related Reading: Best Marriage Advice for Newlyweds 6. If you see their socks on the floor
You have two choices: look the other way or pick them up. There is no third option.
Yes, you'll feel like nagging, but don't. Not worth it.
Your spouse has been dropping their socks for years, and even being married to you won't change that. Better yet, place a mini hamper right where they drop their socks. Problem solved!
7. Buy your tube
To keep the marriage secure, each person should buy a tube of toothpaste. This is funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but very effective.
But, this way, you won't have to ever fight about the "right" way to squish the paste out, who lost the lid, or whatever.
Seriously, get your own tube!
8. Birthday presents
Don't buy your partner appliances, even if they ask for them. Save those for just a random day of the week. You can also get those things as gifts you know they crave but may never, ever use (hint: power tools).
This is another vital piece of marriage advice, funny or not, that can be instrumental in keeping the spark in your marriage alive.
Related Reading: Gift Ideas for Couples 9. Small annoyances
This does not qualify to be one of the funny marriage tips for newlyweds; instead, this is the most obvious one.
What annoys your spouse the most? Stop doing those things so they'll be quiet.
10. Say something funny every day
Another funny marriage advice for newlyweds!
Guys, tell your wife something funny every day. Ladies, laugh at jokes. Similarly, guys love a woman who can keep it hilarious while making a conversation.
These funny marriage quotes for newlyweds will surely add spunk to the relationship and bring the couple closer to each other.
Funny marriage advice for the bride to be
Funny marriage advice for the bride or funny words of wisdom for newlyweds is always a huge help. The funny wedding sayings below are sure to give you a good laugh:
11. Beauty and his eyesight will fade with time
Beauty fades, and so will his eyesight. There's no sense in worrying.
Women want to look good for their spouses. Ideally, you want to look the same as you did on your wedding day. Thanks to his fading eyesight, you will! Whew. What a relief.
Related Reading: Marriage Advice for the Bride-to-Be 12. It's a two-way road
Marriage is all about 'give and take.' You give him something to eat, and you take some time yourself.
13. Put the seat up sometimes
Put the toilet seat up every once in a while. He may think that you consider his needs, but throwing some confusion into his normal pattern may reverse the bad habit.
14. Food can make him stay quite
Make him something to eat. That will keep him quiet for a while. Keep your man comfortable and well-fed. Remember, a happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries.
15. Dress up for him
When you dress up, dress up for yourself but dress up for your husband too. Put on lipstick and some pleasant fragrance.
16. Use reverse psychology
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."- Ann Bancroft. You can always use reverse phycology to get things done.
17. Notice how he eats
Finally, before you marry him, listen to him chew. If you can stand that noise for the rest of your life, go ahead with the wedding.
18. Time works differently after marriage
If your husband says he'll be home in an hour when you call him to find out for how long he will stay out with his friends, don't be alarmed if he isn't home even after three hours.
Related Reading: What to Expect After Marriage: 15 Things All Newlyweds Experience
19. Be ready to handle a grownup child
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore.
This advice tells us in a funny way that men tend to be childish at times, but they are also worthy of our respect, so be careful not to treat them as children – and they won't behave like ones.
20. Don't expect him to remember everything
Being married is like having a best friend who doesn't remember anything you say." – Women talk a lot more than men, and men often cannot remember everything or sometimes consider it irrelevant.
Humorous marriage advice for grooms
All men appreciate a little humor, and when it comes to wedding humor, the lighthearted, the better. A few pieces of funny marriage advice for men include:
21. Include her in your work
When you have a project to get done, get your wife to do it for you. She does not have time to complain about you not spending time with her, and better yet, she feels included. It's a win-win!
Of course, you shouldn't pass your work on to your wife, but the thing to take away from this is inclusion.
22. You should probably lie about the time
Never lie about anything but always lie about time. You want a 45 minute to an hour safety window if the two of you are going out.
This will avoid making her feel rushed, ensures that your wife looks amazing, and gives you time to relax.
23. Believe in her
Talk to her and share your thoughts. Be best friends. She wants to hear your heart. But remember, the two best phrases to include in your vocabulary are "I understand" and "You're right."
She needs you to cheer her on. Let her know you believe she can take on the world. Say yes far more often than you say no.
Related Reading: 16 Reasons to Keep Believing in Love 24. Talk about or to another woman to be heard
"If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears."- Sigmund Freud
You need to make sure that you are only doing it to get her attention, or else it will backfire, and the joke will be on you.
25. Consider marriage as a win-win process
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." – Socrates.
The quote above clearly states that you will get all the good things out of a marriage, and as funny as it sounds, it stands out to be true in most cases.
26. Let her cry
We are not suggesting that you leave her high and dry in emotions but let her cry sometimes. She needs to, and it helps.
Watch this video to understand how crying sometimes makes you feel better:
27. Express love without sex
It's a hard one. It's not funny, but it will be hilariously awkward if you won't express your love other than having sex. Find ways to say "I love you" that don't involve sex.
28. You are allowed only one marriage
"Every man wants a beautiful, understanding, economic wife and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife" – This advice suggests that we cannot expect one woman to have it all. But men should learn to love their wives and realize how unique and wonderful they are.
29. If she says what, change your sentence
"When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you, she's giving you a chance to change what you said."
Again, women seem to need to prove that they're right a bit more than men do, or so it appears from a man's perspective. And the quickest path, but not necessarily the right one, is to surrender. Yet, a better idea is assertive and respectful communication of differences .
30. The wife is always right
"Two things are necessary to keep a wife happy. First, let her think she has her way. And second, let her have it."
Women tend to get fixated on a thing if they believe they're right, and this advice reveals to men that the easy path out is to yield.
Funny advice for married couples
These pieces of funny wedding advice will make you both giggle and give you some wisdom to tread the path of marriage more carefully.
31. Don't go to bed angry. Stay up and fight all night!
It's funny wedding advice for the couple who just got married, yet it has a meaningful side.
A couple should not sleep right after a fight. It's better to fight the anger and conflicts away rather than let them pile up in your heart by not communicating.
This is an awesome piece of advice as it sounds absurd yet holds so much significance if looked upon deeply. It will help put things in an honest perspective when the first post-marriage argument pops up.
Most disagreements between couples are usually about something trivial which should immediately be either fought away or laughed away!
Sure, some fights need more than a day to settle, but at least try and see if it can't be resolved in one night before calling it a day.
32. Don't try to change your partner
Marriage is an 'As Is' deal. Do not try to change your spouse. That's as good as it gets.
33. Never forget these three words, "Let's go out!"
Be it your spouse's birthday or an achievement celebration, or maybe just another day, a date night is always an excellent idea.
A few people consider it a thing of the past and call it "old school," but one thing must be kept in mind: "couples who date together stay together!"
Related Reading: What Keeps Couples Together: 15 Things You Must Know 34. Leave the toilet seat down
When not married, couples seldom have the experience of living with each other. When they get married, they almost always have a gross conversation over who left the toilet dirty.
It's going to be disgusting but believe it or not, it is normal. Sometimes, it's going to be him who forgot to flush before leaving, and at other times it's going to be her who forgot to drain it in a hurry to cook food!
35. Women, do not make a fuss if he doesn't cry
He just finds it hard to show that emotion. Women want their men to cry for them (like in movies). Few men do! But if he doesn't, don't think of it as something abnormal.
So here's the funny wedding advice for the couple that believes in each other's love even if the other doesn't show it as good as the movie star you have been crushing on lately!
Related Reading: Funny Advice for Couples- Finding Humor in Married Life! 36. Don't feel disgusted if he burps because he will
He will do that a lot! So be prepared for a lot of burping as soon as you get married. And for guys, don't find it weird if she is obsessed with her nail paints and skincare products. That's just how women are!
37. Feed each other a lot
It may seem stupid and even childish, but "food" can make up for anything. If you two fight over something, just feed each other and offer some food, chocolates, nachos, or mac with cheese!
Moreover, the more you eat, the less you'll be able to talk. It might sound like just another funny wedding advice for the couple, but just do it and see the magic!
38. Challenge your spouse
This, I believe, is the funniest wedding advice for the couple, which will come in handy a lot of times! If you want something done by your spouse, challenge them by saying that the particular task is beyond their skills.
This is one way of triggering an individual's ego, and even though not wholeheartedly, they will get the task done. And that is what you wanted in the first place. Isn't it?
39. Have each other's back
"Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single." This is a funny way of indicating that marriage is hard work to mend disagreements. But, the benefits most often outweigh the problems.
40. Living together is a challenge; you must outcome
"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." – Raymond Hull.
Hull suggests that, maybe, adhering to rules of the institution of marriage too rigidly might be the cause of many issues that can be avoided with some flexibility.
Related Reading: Save the Day With Funny Wedding Advice For The Groom Funny words of wisdom for newlyweds
Are you looking for funny marriage advice for newlyweds or funny tips for newlyweds?
Well, you are just in the right place!
41. Take a marriage test
You haven't been through enough as a couple unless you've had to take care of each other being sick or going on a long, hot, dirty road trip.
Or, as Will Ferrell says, make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they are."
So, try taking this marriage test as a part of some crucial piece of marital advice for newlyweds. Fingers crossed!
42. The dishwasher rule
Whoever is doing the dishes proclaims that their way of loading the dishwasher is the right way.
Want your way to be the right way?
Start loading!
Isn't this advice for newly married couples funny? Well, your spouse will tell you better!
43. Find out their favorite flavor
Then, buy chapstick in that flavor. Wear it every day. This advice to newlyweds is funny, but moreover, it is playful.
44. Get a king-sized bed
The tussle over the blanket is an old one. So, funny or not, another piece of advice for newly married couples is to get a very, very large blanket.
Or, if your spouse is a blanket hog, get another blanket.
45. Love may be blind, but marriage is not
"Love is blind. But marriage restores its sight." – Although this advice was meant to be a bit gloomy, it also has its other side, which is the fact that in marriage, we get to know another person so closely that we understand their flaws and, ideally, come to love them.
46. Never check each other's mail
Just don't. Of course, because it's a federal offense, you can always hold it up to the light.
You might say that this isn't funny marriage advice for newlyweds. Well, we too agree, but couldn't resist mentioning it.
47. How to make honey-do list
Write out the list of things you want your husband to do, then rip it up. Then, hire a professional.
Without a doubt, this funny marriage advice for newlyweds has left you rolling with laughter!
48. Have secret lives
Well, not actually "secret." Just have lives away from each other.
Have that guy's night, and have that girl's night. Have a slight separation regularly and develop yourself on your own—maybe take a class or go on a trip apart.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something like that. Again, this isn't funny marriage advice for newlyweds, but an indispensable one. Don't do away with this advice at any cost.
49. Be super flirty
Don't let the flirtiness die after marriage.
When your spouse is un-showered and sitting around in sweats, tell them how hot they are and ask them out on a date.
This advice to newlyweds, funny or not, will bring a coy smile to your spouse's face.
These funny marriage tips must have left you feeling exuberated. Don't just laugh these away; instead, use this list of funny marriage advice for newlyweds cleverly to spice up your relationship .
50. Pack up and stash away your romance novels
These hilarious words of advice for married couples concern the bride. Now that you are (finally) married, it's time to pack up your romance novels and enter the real world of smelly socks, different degrees of gross behavior, and untidiness.
Conclusion
The above-mentioned funny marriage advice should've taught you something, the secret to a happy marriage isn't in material things.
Couples who have the best of everything are not the most successful. Instead, it's the couples who try to make the best of everything and work to be content with what they have, with having each other being the most important thing!
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/funny-marriage-advice-finding-humor-in-commitment/